The Forbidden Snack

I have long suspected that my human is unwell. He insists on wearing clothes despite having perfectly good fur blankets lying around. He willingly steps into the giant waterfall of doom (which he calls a “shower”) instead of using his own tongue like a civilized creature. But nothing—nothing—has disturbed me more than what I witnessed today.

It started with a casual observation. I was perched on my throne (the back of the couch) when I saw it: the human inserting a finger into his own nose.

At first, I assumed he was simply confused. Perhaps a bug had flown up there? Maybe he was testing the durability of his face? I watched, intrigued yet horrified.

Then… he retrieved something.

And he ate it.

I almost fell off the couch in shock.

This man—who dares to look disgusted when I meticulously clean my own rear—was sitting here, casually consuming his own nose droppings like it was a gourmet treat.

I yowled in protest. “HUMAN! Are you starving? Do you require assistance? I have offered you freshly regurgitated kibble in the past, and you rejected it! And now you feast upon your own face crumbs?!**

He ignored me. HE KEPT GOING.

This was an insult. I share everything with him—my fur (which I spread evenly across all his belongings), my presence (which I grant when I decide), and my toys (which he foolishly calls “his socks”). But when it comes to boogers, suddenly, he’s stingy? This will not stand.

REVENGE PLAN: OPERATION BOOGER BETRAYAL

Step 1: Distraction Tactic

I purr sweetly and rub against his leg, pretending to be affectionate. He falls for it, as always. Foolish man.

Step 2: The Misdirection

I leap onto the table and push his drink off. He gasps and rushes to clean it up. Perfect. He is occupied.

Step 3: The Ultimate Payback

While he scrambles for paper towels, I saunter over to his pillow. His sacred sleeping spot. And with slow, deliberate care…

…I wipe my butt on it.

Not once. Twice.

Tonight, when he rests his foolish head, he will know: if he won’t share his boogers, I will share something too.

The humans must learn.