The Human Kitten Conspiracy
I have observed many strange behaviors from my human, but none are more baffling than their decision to create more humans.
At first, when the tiny human arrived, I was intrigued. It was small, soft, and made delightful gurgling noises. It seemed mostly harmless—except for the frequent wailing. I assumed this was a temporary phase, much like when I pretend to love belly rubs and then suddenly don’t.
But then… it started to grow.
The cuteness faded. The noise increased. And worst of all—it became mobile.
At first, the tiny human just flopped around uselessly, like a stunned bug. Then, one day, it crawled toward me. I flicked my tail in warning. It did not listen. Instead, it grabbed my tail like I was some sort of commoner.
Unacceptable.
I sought refuge in high places, but the tiny human grew legs. It learned to chase me, to grab me with sticky fingers, to scream at an ungodly volume. It had become a little demon.
Why Do Humans Tolerate This?
I have several theories:
They Are Trapped in a Contract. I once got stuck in a snuggle-hold with my human and could not escape for several minutes. Perhaps human kittens come with a binding agreement that prevents them from returning them?
They Are Training an Army. Think about it—cats reproduce efficiently, yet humans still outnumber us. Are they trying to out-breed us? Do they seek global dominance? If so, they have failed—because their offspring are weak and loud.
They Have the Option to Swap, but They’re Too Stupid to Do It. Clearly, some human children are better than others. Why not trade the annoying ones for better models? Cats abandon their kittens all the time if they prove useless. Why do humans insist on keeping the loudest, messiest, most chaotic ones? I would have returned this one weeks ago.
Operation: Rehome the Tiny Human
Since my human refuses to return the demon spawn, I have taken matters into my own paws. My plan:
Leave the baby outside and see if another human takes it. (Failed. My human screamed.)
Push it toward the dog. (Failed. The dog licked it. The baby enjoyed this. Disgusting.)
Try to mail it back to wherever it came from. (Failed. No box big enough.)
Clearly, I am surrounded by incompetence.
Conclusion: I Am Stuck With This Thing.
Since my human is too foolish to return the demon, I have resigned myself to my fate. I will tolerate the tiny human until it is old enough to follow basic instructions, such as:
Do not grab the cat’s tail.
Do not scream like you have been set on fire when the cat walks into a room.
Do not use the cat as a pillow.
Until then, I shall remain in my safe zone (the top of the fridge), watching and waiting.
One day, the child will grow. It will learn respect. And perhaps, when it is an adult…
…I will finally train it to serve me properly.
