The Human Mating Ritual: A Horror Story
I have seen my human do many baffling things—cry over spilled coffee, talk to the shiny rectangle in their hand, and voluntarily enter the giant water torture chamber (which they call a “shower”). But nothing—nothing—has disturbed me more than what I witnessed last night.
It started when my human and their mate disappeared into the bedroom, giggling like brainless kittens. Naturally, I followed. After all, it is my sacred duty to observe and judge their foolish behavior. I leaped onto the dresser, took my rightful perch, and prepared to be disappointed.
Then it began.
The Dog-Style Confusion
At first, it seemed like they were fighting. The male human was on top, the female was underneath, and they were grunting like overfed hogs. For a brief moment, I thought perhaps my human had been possessed by a very stupid dog.
“Is this why they always tell me to stop watching the neighbor’s poodle? Are they… COPYING HER?”
Disgusting.
But then, just as I was preparing to look away, they changed positions.
The Chaos of Movement
One moment they were stacked like a sandwich, the next they were tangled like two confused snakes. There was bouncing. There was flipping. At one point, I swear my human attempted a full somersault.
This was not efficient mating. This was madness.
The Noises: A Personal Attack
The worst part? THE NOISES.
Grunts, gasps, moans—it was as if a wounded walrus had broken into the house. At one point, my human yelped so loudly that I fled under the bed for safety.
“Why are they in distress? Should I help? Should I call for reinforcements? Where is the dog when you need him?”
But then, suddenly, it ended.
They collapsed in a heap, breathing like they had just chased a laser pointer for an hour straight.
And then… they just fell asleep.
My Conclusion: Humans Are Hopeless
I have come to several disturbing conclusions:
Humans are very bad at mating. No grace. No efficiency. Too much noise.
They are copying DOGS. This is a betrayal of the feline race.
They must never know I saw this. If they suspect I witnessed their pathetic display, they may try to involve me in some way. I refuse to be part of their ridiculous rituals.
I have decided to sleep elsewhere from now on.
But I will never forget.
