The Great Toilet Paper Caper: A Cat’s Tale
I am Sir Fluffington, esteemed ruler of this domain. My humans foolishly believe they are in charge, but little do they know—I am the mastermind behind all household chaos. My greatest work? The Toilet Paper Caper.
The Discovery
It all started one fateful day when I wandered into the strange, tiled room my humans frequent. There, upon a mysterious golden spindle, hung the most magnificent white scroll I had ever seen. It was soft. It was endless. It needed to be destroyed.
The Execution
I approached cautiously, extending one paw. I gave it a tentative poke. The roll twitched. Encouraging. I swatted it again—it spun! My heart raced. I struck it a third time, harder this time. It unfurled itself in a magnificent white cascade, stretching across the floor. My ancestors purred in approval from the beyond.
I was no longer just a housecat. I was an artist.
The Technique
I soon mastered several techniques:
- The Paw Paddle – A rapid back-and-forth swipe that sends the paper unraveling at warp speed. Best executed when a human is within earshot.
- The Bunny Kick – Wrapping my fluffy body around the roll and launching a full-throttle hind-leg assault. This ensures maximum shredding.
- The Drag & Scatter – Grabbing a loose end and sprinting down the hallway, leaving a glorious trail in my wake.
The Human’s Reaction
Eventually, my human stumbled upon the scene. Her eyes widened in horror as she beheld my work—an entire bathroom covered in delicate white ribbons of destruction. She gasped. She pointed. She shouted, “FLUFFINGTON, WHY?!”
And that, dear reader, is the real reason I do it. The thrill of the crime. The artistic expression. The human’s reaction.
Do I feel bad? Never. Do I regret it? Not even once.
Do I plan to do it again?
…The humans just replaced the roll. It’s go time.
