The Porcelain Throne Mystery
I have seen my human do many strange things—willingly leaving the warm house for “work,” covering their body in fabric despite having perfectly good fur, and screaming at the tiny glowing rectangle they hold in their hands. But nothing—nothing—is more bizarre than their daily pilgrimage to the Porcelain Throne.
Every day, multiple times a day, my human sits upon this cold, uninviting object. They groan, they sigh, and sometimes—oh, the horror—they stare blankly at the wall as if they are contemplating their life choices. Why?
Theory #1: Humans Are Hoarding Their Own Poop
It makes sense. I have seen them steal mine. They scoop it right out of my litter box like it’s some sort of rare treasure. Are they trying to produce their own supply? If so, why don’t they bury it properly? Instead, they simply let it disappear with a loud WHOOSH.
Which leads me to my next theory…
Theory #2: The Toilet Is a Hungry God
Perhaps the Porcelain Throne demands a sacrifice. Every time they sit, they offer their poop, and in return, the great toilet deity blesses them. This could explain why they sit there for so long, staring into the abyss—perhaps they are praying.
Theory #3: The Ritual of the Butt-Wipe
This part is particularly disturbing. When I finish my business, I simply walk away like a dignified creature. But humans? They grab soft white paper and rub their butts. I can only assume this is some kind of unnecessary extra step, like when they insist on “washing” the dishes even though the dog already licked them clean.
Maybe they don’t trust their own poop-removal skills. Tragic.
The Mystery of the Final WHOOSH
This is the most terrifying part of the entire ritual. When they are done, they press a strange silver lever, and the entire contents of the toilet vanish in a great swirling vortex.
Where does it go? Is it sucked into another dimension? Do humans have a secret poop storage facility somewhere? Is this why they won’t let me in certain rooms??
I have tried to investigate, but my human refuses to let me get close. If I hop on the toilet seat, they shriek and push me off. If I stare at the swirling abyss after they flush, they call me “weird.” I am not weird—THEY are the ones performing a bizarre poop sacrifice!
My Plan: Toilet Takeover
One day, I will uncover the truth. I will stake out the Porcelain Throne, perhaps jump in before the sacrifice is complete. Maybe I will test it myself. I could deposit a hairball in there and see if the swirling void accepts my offering.
If the toilet god demands poop, then it shall have mine.
And if my human dares to remove me from my rightful place? I will poop in their shoes.
This is a mystery I am determined to solve.
